Since the aggressive confrontation by my ex best friend, needless to say that I was back to square one. No friends. I knew I had to start looking in my classroom once again. I didn’t rule out looking in the playground too. Because I was new, I felt so out of place and everyone were way cooler than me. I just realized I didn’t stand a chance of making friends. So many cliques, so many established friendships formed way before I arrived here.
There was no point even considering playing with girls, they made you feel that you are not even allowed to enter their circle with a striking look, which forced you to look away. It was so funny that despite my strong character, I felt so outnumbered and vulnerable like a prey. I was occasionally playing with my on-off best friend, despite not forgiving her for her father’s behaviour. I just didn’t want to be alone anymore. I was determined not to be on my own since my previous school. So, I decided to return to the sources, playing with boys. Boys are just so easier to reach. Girls are just too complicated and mean. Ironic since I am a girl, but I fitted with boys more because I liked playing rough and I was so terrible. A true tomboy. First, I needed to gain their trust and then I could be allowed in. My first friend, was a Portuguese classmate. He was super popular, not just in our class, but with the whole school. He had an older brother equally popular. We would hang out sometimes, but then again so many wanted to hang with him. One thing I realised, hanging out with him, I no longer had the stigma of the reject nor the new pupil. I was slowly fitting in.
The obvious reason we got along I believe was the fact he is Portuguese like me. In fact, in Geneva, if you were Portuguese, you would have to attend classes for a whole afternoon. It was compulsory. Needless to say I didn’t like the classes. It was so long and boring. The one good thing, I got to hang out with my Portuguese friend more and form a friendship.
Since attending Marcelly, I was so much happier, playing with the boys regularly, I liked being part of their crew. Also, I something weird was happening. To my horror, I was looking at the boys differently. I have never experienced these types of feelings before. The more I was getting closer to my Portuguese mate, the more I developed a crush on him. I tried to brush those weird feelings off. I never told him of course, it was weird for me, a tomboy developing feelings for her close friend. I had those butterflies each time I was getting close to him. I remarked how handsome he was. I didn’t know who to talk to about these feelings invading every inch of my body. My main worry was being outcasted by the boys. Therefore, I kept those weird feelings to myself. I was settling in so well at Marcelly, I didn’t want these weird feelings to be an issue and having to be seen as a weirdo. The more I was getting familiar with my peers, I was much more outgoing but still terrible. I was developing a crazy personality and always craved for attention. Perhaps, this craziness and my craving for attention was always inside me, but never allowed to pop out because I was always getting told off in my previous school including the harsh racism I faced. At Marcelly, I was the only person of colour in my class, but I have never been classed different nor anyone ever made reference to the colour of my skin. Perhaps, finally being accepted the way I was, this crazy personality came out. Sadly, I still performed poorly academically. However, I received support from my wonderful teacher and peers. Slowly, I was getting better scores. My Portuguese friend often encouraged me leading others to do the same. My crave for attention was growing each time and I was never shy of getting the attention of everyone. I was no longer known for my notoriety, but for my personality. My larger than life personality was sometimes out of control and I would get in trouble for it. Nevertheless, I would get invited to parties which I can count how many I have been invited to in one hand since I moved to Switzerland, I was invited to hang out outside school. Life was great.
I was still missing my dad and still seeing a psychologist, which helped after few years. Despite my dad not being around, I was a sort of replacement because I was just like him; his personality mirrored mine, he was always the centre of attention the same way I crave for attention, finally, he just never like doing what he was told, which is why I always get myself in trouble at school and at home. The one thing which will forever link us is when we like something we’d like it all the way and sometimes over like something. The same way goes when we don’t like something, we’d hate it. This trait defined us because we literally overdo things based on what we like and what we don’t with passion. To sum it up, we would sometimes get carried away or give it our whole when it comes to what we like or don’t.
I was enjoying my plain sailing life at Marcelly: I was getting better grades, I had friends, mostly boys in my class and I was accepted the way I was. Things were about to unravel so quickly as I could no longer keep my feelings to myself. The moment I set eyes on him, I was in cloud 9. This cute boy possessed the most beautiful green eyes I had ever seen. Sadly for him, he was the target of all my affection. As I began developing a huge crush on him, I wanted to change my appearance. I never cared what I looked like, but I slowly started to care more about my appearance. I finally wanted to be more girly and no longer wanted to look rough or like a tomboy. Was I in love?